Reviewing Linux Distros by How Well Their Logos Would Work as Weapons
There's an article that owlyfans wrote about various open-source mascots and whether they could beat them in a fight. I think about that all the time. I'm also a passionate Linux user who's hopped around quite a bit- I've settled for now, but I've tried out more than a handful of distros to see what I like. Now, I could give reviews of them straight-up, but wouldn't it be more fun to imagine using their logos as weapons and see how they hold up?
Send me an email if you'd like me to add another distro to this list. It would be my pleasure.
Debian
Rating: 7/10
There's a pretty sharp-looking point at the end of its tail, but good luck using it! The rest of that spiral is large, awkward, and totally in the way of a good stab. Even if you do skewer someone with it, it's not going to go in very deep before the rest stops it. It only gets the points it does because you can stab someone with it.
On the other hand... Uzumaki by Junji Ito makes it pretty clear that spirals can ruin someone's day. I'll give it a 9 if Junji Ito's wielding this one.
Mint
Rating: 2/10
Fantastic shield, but not a great weapon. Sure, you could turn it on its side and throw it like a discus, but is that really practical in a battle? It doesn't have the leverage to be a good blunt weapon, either. Its only saving grace is that it's one solid piece, so at least it's not breaking on impact.
Arch
Rating: 9/10
Now this is a weapon. It's got handles, a really sharp point, equally sharp edges, and nothing in the way of using it like a weirdly-shaped sword. This could kill someone. One point taken off for having two sharp points facing towards the wielder- stabbing yourself generally isn't good battle practice.
Qubes
Rating: 1/10
It has a nice handle, but there's not a single sharp edge on this thing. It's not solid enough to clobber someone. There's a big hole in the middle. What are you going to do, lasso your opponent and sit there until they get so upset over your incompetence that they do the job themselves?
Endeavour OS
Rating: 3/10
Sure, it's got two sharp points, but there's nothing to grab onto here. The one safe end is such a broad, rounded surface that it would be easy to rip it out of your hands. Might be a good throwing weapon if it's tiny, but there's really nothing to grab onto here. Those pointed ends also get thick quick, meaning you'd be fighting to drive it in if you did manage to stab someone with it. I think its real value is as a projectile. Give it enough power at the right angle, and this might hurt.
Fedora
Rating: 1/10
Same problems as Endeavour, but cranked up to 11. The entire back half is rounded, and the only bit that sticks out is sort of pointy. Sort of. The only point on this logo's been rounded off, making it useless for stabbing. All of the edges are smooth, rounded, slippery bastards who would murder you in your sleep before letting you get a solid grip on them. You're not doing much with this.
Red Hat
Rating: 1/10
Go try killing someone with a hat and get back to me.
NixOS
Rating: 7/10
Unlike a lot of logos, this actually has some sharp edges. It's more than a bludgeoning tool- you could slice someone on this. While it's not the most convenient to hold because it's all sharp edges, I figure that you wouldn't be holding onto it for long. This is a throwing star. Go forth and be the ninja you were born to be.
Slackware
Rating: 1/10
Same as Mint; great shield, horrible weapon. It's actually worse than Mint because the edge is beveled, so you can't even give someone a papercut with it. Someone took a circle and child-proofed it. I guess you could jam it down someone's throat and choke them with it, but what kind of opponent is going to let you get close enough to force-feed them a circle?
Pop!_OS
Rating: 2/10
They're letters, and they're round. Sure, you can grab onto them and flail them around a little in the air, which is more than Endeavour can say, but these are practically balloons. That said, there's an underscore in there. It's rounded off like everything else, but you might be able to do a little damage with it if you're feeling ambitious that day.
Void
Rating: 4/10
More circles! Why does everyone choose circles? At least this one breaks apart into three pieces. You could finangle them into a circular arm shield and two rounded battering implements, and that's reasonable enough. You might be able to hurt someone if you hit them over the head with the half-circle bits. They've got leverage.
Ubuntu
Rating: 2/10
Yet another circle. I'm realizing that distros are obsessed with circles. Like Void, this one breaks apart into multiple pieces. Unlike Void, there are so many of these pieces that you can't possibly use them all, and the half-circle cutouts in the long round-ish bits mean that they're a little less sturdy than Void's matched pair. I don't trust this set not to break in half after a good smack. At least you've got a spare!
Peppermint
Rating: 1/10
I'm getting awfully tired of circles.
OpenSUSE
Rating: 10/10 (bugs) 2/10 (humans)
It's a chameleon. This little guy is an insect serial killer with no remorse or fear, but the worst it could do to a human is nibble on them. Chameleons can bite, but they're not venomous, and their teeth are tiny. Their tongues are long-range, but what's it going to do, lick you to death? It's a 2 and not a 1 because it could go for the eyes and start chewing, which would be objectively horrible.
Puppy
Rating: 8/10
He's adorable, but that smile hides a soul filled with rage and hatred. His teeth have split the flesh of thousands of warriors foolish enough to cross his path. His paws have carried him for leagues in search of a true target- and he's on your side. Bring Arch's sword as a backup and claim victory over the fools who dare challenge you.
Kali
Rating: 10/10
It's a goddamn dragon.
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